Top Dumb Animals Evolution Needs to Get Rid Of

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First, this list by no means condones murder. But if we did load  all of these “animals¨ up Noah’s Ark style and wait for a nice natural disaster, these would be the last let on the boat. This list could, obviously, be so much longer. Here are the animals that made the top ten.

Yippy Rat Dogs

(Including, but not limited to, chihuahuas, poodles and yorkies) In Spain, they’re called perros para patear; which, roughly translated, means dogs for kicking. In some countries they’re accessories. In other countries, they’re food. In every country, they’re useless. These dogs are hazards. I can recall numerous occasions when I’ve almost died tripping on these pointless, pathetic mutts. And, while I’m lying on the cement in a pool of my own blood, they have to ensure little Mitzy is okay. These dogs also don’t bark, like their macho counterparts, they yip. Yip. Yip. Yip. It’s a noise that is hard to imitate. Comparable to nails on a chalkboard, it’s loud, shrill and annoying to the core. And, of course, there is always something or someone that must, urgently, be yipped at. The yipping is commonly followed by chasing and pathetic attempts at a growl. Which, generally, lead to tripping. (see, it all comes full circle.) If Darwinsim was still at its peak condition these frail, spoiled, bratty dogs would be off the face of the earth before one could say, ¨That’s hot.¨

Jessica Simpson

It’s a shame she has to come right after yippy rat dogs, considering the fact that her own little pup was recently eaten by coyotes. Though, she hoped against hope that her pup would be returned nicely, and alive. While she saw this is heart breaking, it’s really Darwinism beautifully at work. While I understood that her supposed endearing, moronic personality brings her a disgusting amount of income, Pizza Hut wings, Macys`, her failed lines of jeans and edible body creams, she should only be allowed to sing and not open her mouth for much else. Her sister could go on this list, too. Come to think of it, only opening their mouthes for singing may help speed along the dying process.

Chris Brown

Chris Brown is an idiot. He was an idiot before the whole ¨Rhiana Gate. ¨ He was an idiot during the trial proceedings. He was an idiot in every youtube video he did to address the incident. And, the future does not look promising for any intellectual advancement. Prior to his going ape-shit crazy on homegirl`s ass, I thought: ten years down the road these two could be the new Beyonce and Jay-Z. Now, not so much. Chris Brown is a man who needs to keep his mouth shut and his fists unballed. In all honesty, the world does not need another M.J-wannabe R&B singer, evolution take your course with this one and weed it out.

Bears

I’m no expert in the intelligence levels of your average bears, but, if cartoons have taught us anything, it’s that bears are stupid. Winnie the Poo, Yogi Bear, Baloo from the Jungle Book, they’re all idiots. Bears’ brains hover somewhere between that of a stoner and that of one with mental retardation. They are also so, so scary. One animal no one wants to run into is a bear. They have claws and sharp teeth and super-human strength. They will kill you. Bears kill 1000 people a year. (That’s a completely made up stat.) Bears are also everywhere. They’re in woods and in caves and in zoos and in circuses. There is no escape from these giant, murderous buffoon.

Pugs

Pugs are not under the yippy rat dog category, because they are not yippy or rat-like, at all. All else holds true. If you imagine the stock-character asmatic and morph them into a small, wrinkly, bulldog-esque creature, you have a pug. They sit there and breathe and breathe and breathe and wheeze and hack and cough, constantly. They do this because it’s a failed breed. If you google pugs a huge list of medical conditions come up. That is nature’s way of saying die.

Paris Hilton

This girl is the queen of marketing and branding stupidity. Her fifteen minutes of fame started with a famous last name and a creepy night-vision sex tape. It’s lasted because she has somehow managed to make being a vapid idiot cool. In the first episode of her smash “reality show”, The Simple Life, she says ´huh´ thirty-two times, give or take. The fact that she has multiple, highly abused, yippy rat dogs she has multiple strikes against her. Evolution, do your thing. Take her down.

Cats

As a previous cat owner, it pains me to add them to this list. But, seriously, cats have got to go. They have glowing, beady, ultra creepy eyes. They have crazy obsessive hygiene habits. And, they stalk around like ninjas. You can never tell when they come or leave or die. They just appear and disappear without the slightest sound. I would go as far to say a cat is as quiet as a mouse, but they kill mice. They kill mice only to leave the rotting carcasses at your doorstop. Gross. In general, they are just plain cold animals. Cats don’t show affection or loyalty or love like dogs. Cats are evil, selfish bastards.

Megan Fox

There is no denying Megan Fox’s attractiveness. She exudes hotness and spews sexuality. Between the look factor and the stupidity factor, the girl gets a lot of press. She has admitted multiple times how “mental” she is. When comparing herself to Sacrlett Johansson she said “I don’t want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I’ve ever learned to prove, like, ‘Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.’” I beg to differ, you do have to prove your intelligence. No one sees it. Go on, utilize all those SAT words you supposedly know.  Or else, let evolution take it’s course.

George W. Bush

Being from Texas, I knew what took expect when Bush took office. America did not. I don’t think the man had any bad intentions, he wasn’t an evil tyrant by any means- most evil tyrants are geniuses so Bush wouldn’t have been able to handle the role. If Bush had a better speech writer and better speech coach and maybe a nice stand-in for when he had to give speeches, he wouldn’t have come across quite as dumb. But, he did.  A name for the lists of his best stupid quotes have even coined a name- Bushisms. Game over.

Mosquitos

Mosquitos are the most annoying insects on earth, that’s a fact. These moronic pests buzz about aimlessly until they stumble upon a bloodstream to feast on. Its poor victim will then pursue an attempt to slap away the mosquito. Spoiler Alert: the attempt will fail. All of this will result in a nice red, painful blotch and possible malaria.

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