Sorry to be a Debbie Downer and rain on your holiday parade, but it’s time we all collectively admit that Thanksgiving sucks. Sure, it has its upsides- time off work, pumpkin pie, socially accepted pants unbuttoning after eating too much. But don’t get roped into believe it’s all turkeys and rainbows. Here are the top 10 reasons that Thanksgiving blows:
Regardless of your family background, chances are you have slightly racist grandparents. You can only listen to them hate on their “ethnic” butcher, lawyer, gardner, postman, WHATEVER for so long before someone loses it and calls grandma out.
That. is. not. normal. Everyone seems to have agreed that we should all serve it in its original can shape, because what could be more appetizing than ridge marks?
PLEASE, this is the one day a year where you might need some real distraction- why can’t a relevant team play? Not to ruin the surprise for you but- the Lions are going to lose.
You have to feed how many people? Cooking that turkey takes HOURS and even if you make it out of preparatory duties, you better believe you’ll be in charges of dishes after the meal.
If you’ve ever wondered what the 8th Circle of Hell is like, then just check out any airport on the long Thanksgiving weekend. Crowds, lines, delays, lost luggage, being routed through Seattle to get to Dallas- that pumpkin pie better be effing worth it.
That food is de-licious so you’re almost obligated to over indulge. You know what that means? Food baby. There is 100% you’re going to walk away from the meal looking pregnant.
This isn’t fun family time, this is mandatory family time. Try to check your email and you’ll get an earful of “Can’t you put that damn thing away for one day??” If you do manage to sneak online, you’ll hear an echo. The Internet dies on Thanksgiving.
Unless you yourself are hosting the dinner, you’re in danger of ending up at the kids table. Regardless of your current age, there is always a chance you might get booted down to the folding card table in the living room to entertain bored second-cousins.
Maybe mom had a little too much wine, or Uncle John is hitting the scotch a little hard, but whoever it is that drinks too much, you’re guaranteed family drama. Get ready for the loaded questions, being compared to your more successful cousin, watching nana dance and maybe even a little crying.
Stores offer great deals on Black Friday but they come at a cost. Mainly, you have to wake up and stand in line at 5 am and you might DIE! People get literally get trampled death over $3 coffee makers. But if you aren’t willing to risk life and limb to shop, maybe you should get out of America… commie.
See how much we have to be thankful for on Thursday? You’re welcome.