10 Tips for Surviving Black Friday

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The biggest shopping day of the year is upon us. With retail sales still in a slump, stores are offering great deals. The question is- are you ready? Black Friday shopping is not for the inexperienced or faint of heart. We’ve put together 10 tips for surviving and succeeding on Black Friday:

10. Pay Some to Wait in Line for You

Those doorbuster sales can start as early as 5 am, that means you have to be in line by 4 am at the latest. Are you listening to me? 4 am. On a day off. Everyone is going to be looking to make a little extra cash, so pay a teenage nephew/cousin/kid, or whoever you can corner at Thanksgiving dinner, and have them wait in line for you.

9. Stretch

Black Friday is both a marathon AND a sprint. It takes endurance and speed. In order to be thoroughly prepared for the door opening, take some time in line to stretch out and get into starting position.

8. Wear Comfortable Clothes and Helmet

What’s that? You think you’ll look silly shopping in a helmet? Remember that guy that died at Walmart last year on Black Friday? Wear a helmet. As for the clothes, comfort is really an after thought, you just need to be able to move in them. Make sure they allow for range of motion and karate chopping.

7. Practice Your “B*tch, Please” Face

At no time are you ever ever ever allowed to let anyone get between you and the sale item. You are entitled to it and the other shoppers need to back off. The easiest and most effective way to scare bargain hunters is with a serious “B*tch, Please” face. One look and they’ll know you mean business.

6. Fake Nails

Go get your nails done. Not only will you look lovely for Thanksgiving dinner, you’ll also have built-in daggers. More seasoned/desperate shoppers might not be intimidated by a look alone. So if some chick getting too close to YOUR bargain DVD bin, flash those suckers and she’ll back off.

5. Bring a Large Purse

Not only will a large purse hold your purchases as you dash from store to store, it can also be used as a weapon. A few menacing swings and you’ll take out the competition.

4. Do Store Reconnaissance

Get a map of the store layout and make a game plan. A rookie mistake is going in unprepared. Figure out where everything you want is located and prioritize pickup.

3. Unattended Carts are Fair Game

If someone is dumb enough to walk away from their cart, then the merchandise they have selected is up for grabs. Don’t feel bad… think of it as “pre-shopping.” Someone else may have picked the stuff out first, but you’ll be the one leaving with it.

2. Play Dead

Playing possum comes in handy for not one but TWO Black Friday situations. First: If you realize there is no chance that you’ll get to the last $3 Sandwich Maker before the person in front of you- fake a heart attack. The distraction will slow them down and you can make your move. Second: If you are targeted for the merchandise you scored, drop down and assume the fetal position, clutching the purchase to your chest. This will protect both the sale item and your internal organs.

1. Stay home and wait for Cyber Monday

Wow, you were really considering going out there? Not worth it. The deals hit the Internet on Monday, so enjoy your day off and shop from the comfort of your cubicle next week.

Now get out there and stimulate the economy!!