Holiday gift giving can get complicated as that list of “people to buy for” fluctuates. If anyone gives a gift, there is that annoying instinct to reciprocate. This tit-for-tat mentality means settling for some less-than-thoughtful presents. We’ve compiled some gifts not to give.
Holiday Themed Apparel
The shirt with the giant reindeer, “bad-Santa” lingerie, menorah earrings: all horrible gifts. They’re impractical, since they can only be worn in December. They’re hideous, see picture above or your local WalMart. And they will never get you laid, Santa’s face on that XXL sweater is not attractive. Hearts, not hoodies, are for spreading cheer.
Better Choice: Solid mittens/gloves
Bath baskets give both the gift-giver and gift-receive a false sense of personalization. The truth is, these baskets end up encroaching on much needed bathroom space. So, while you may think golden-cinnamon-sunshine is the most amazing smell in the world, no one needs a basket of it in spray, lotion, soap, body butter and douche form.
Better Choice: No gift
When it comes to gifts, never make assumptions about musical tastes. Maybe you were listening to Pandora and discovered a phenomenal indie artist or maybe you’ve been patiently awaiting the release of A.I. hottie Adam Lambert’s debut album- either way don’t waste $15.
Better Choice: iTunes gift card
Music boxes, singing cards, and dancing bass- these all fall under the musical gift category. If a simple touch is all it takes to get this gift bursting out in annoying song, we do not want it. No matter how catchy the song, these gifts always cause more headaches than laughter, and that’s a job that better left up to the holiday eggnog.
Better Choice: Anything quiet
By Christmas the tree is up and fully decorated. No one needs another damn ornament. If we do hang yours next year, we won’t remember who gave it- it’s just more pretty shit hanging from a tree. So, unless we specifically ask for another glitter ball, don’t bother. It only makes more clean up after New Year’s.
Better choice: Serving platter
Just because neck-ties are gender specific, doesn’t make them a thoughtful “guy gift”. We aren’t in the 60s, with suits being a daily staple. It’s 2009; most people are unemployed and a tie isn’t part of the uniform for scouring Craig’s list. Bottom line- there is such a thing as too many ties and most men over 25 have reached the limit.
Better Choice: Laptop Case
We’re not talking about cards with personal photos or handwritten notes. We’re talking about the card you got en route to our party, or dropped in the mail on Dec. 28th . The one you signed with only your name in the check-out line. If you decide to put a price-tag on a relationship, it should not total less than a pack of gum.
Better Choice: Phone call
Pajama pants help make winter, a time too cold to lounge naked, more bearable. But, as gifts, they’re lame. Like fine wine, pajama pants get better with age. The favorites aren’t brand-new ones with rhinestones, but old with worn elastic and holes in the crotch. Those sets you got at 5 for $25 are not the thoughtful gift anyone is hoping for.
Better Choice: Slippers
We know winter is cold, and are capable of making proper home-good purchases to reflect this. Do not give cheap blankets that will fall apart in a week. Do not give bright rainbow-striped blankets that clash with every color pallet in our house. And, for the love of god, do not buy us Snuggies. If we’re incapable of wrapping ourselves in a blanket and reading a book, we deserve to freeze.
Better Choice: Scarf
Magnets, shot glasses and t-shirts slathered with wish-you-were-there messages can not double as holiday gifts. Neither will “authentic” medicine beads, conk-shells and foreign currencies make up for the fact we spent our vacation watching CSI marathons. Trust us, that hour long play-by-play of your road trip to Arizona was memorable enough. No souvenirs needed.
Better Choice: Invite us
Sexually Transmitted “Gifts”
STDs, STVs, and STIs- the gifts that keep on giving. Winter time is cold, body heat is warm, money is tight- it’s logical. But before you give that gift of orgasms, please ensure no extra surprises are left behind. No one wants their New Years’ resolution to be “I will remember to take my herpes meds every day.”
Better Choice: Breakfast in bed