February marks two important dates- Valentine’s Day and the Super Bowl. Time to start drinking heavily! This is all fun until those beer goggles come off, and the realization of what -or who- was done the night before sets in. No matter who you end up bumping alcohol-induced uglies with, no one could compare to our list of the worst people to wake up next to.
Flav was twice as wasted as you last night, but somehow managed to wake up at the ass-crack of dawn like some hangover resistant mutant. What time is it? Time to get this obnoxious, little gremlin out of your bed and down your weight in aspirin.
It’s 9a.m, your head is pounding, and Amy Winehouse is about to cut a line of coke with your credit card. It could be worse- remember that scene from Pulp Fiction? Just stay positive, make a mental note to get tested for hepatitis, and kick her out before Courtney Love shows up.
If all that drinking wasn’t enough to make you vomit, seeing Herbert’s sagging ass and shriveled balls post-coital should do the trick. No worries- after a nice breakfast of Popsicles and prunes, he’ll be on his way to wait for the paperboy, and you can burn your sheets.
The King had seemed so mysterious last night. But, this morning, the impromptu staring contest and lack of conversation is getting creepy. If you really could have it your way, the king would remove his “scepter”, put that cape back on, and get you a Whopper combo to absorb the remaining Jäger still in your system.
We’re not sure how an evening with Edward would work out. As far as risk and difficulty factors go, it ranks up there. But, you made it to morning. Now, wash the blood off your sheets, slap on some band-aids, and know that scars can be sexy… even if they’re everywhere.
You picked up, what looked like, a hot blond at the bar. Now you’re waking up beside a plastic fem-bot who’s called her the paparazzi to ensure each dramatic second of pillow talk makes the tabloids. Just treat her like the blow-up doll she is. Fill a hole or throw her out.
When your sheets are covered in make-up, you know the face next to you is not going to be pretty. Finding out the makeup-smudged mug belongs to a killer clown and not a call girl may be more dangerous, but it was probably a cheaper lay.
Hitler is pure evil. You might as well have had sex with Satan himself. Better to just get rid of this guy and pretend it never happened, ever.
Borat is in your bed. It was, obviously, a long night. Untangle your body from his, which appears to be completely covered in pubes, and wake him up. It’s time to demonstrate that age-old American tradition called “the walk of shame”.
They were vigorous on the dance floor and, after spotting a Lisa Frank backpack and letter jacket hanging on the bedpost, you realize why. They’re overexposed child stars. So when they ask for chocolate milk to go with their fruit loops, just say no and escort them back to set. Make sure they look both ways before crossing the street.
This all began as a competition on ibeatyou.com.