Ten Presidents Who Kicked-Ass

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President’s Day is a day to recognize our Presidents’ accomplishments, and  recognize the asses they kicked to get the job done. Here is our list of the top ten presidents who are not only better than you, but kicked major ass. (Skip to the top three)

10. John Quincy Adams

Adams kicked ass in school, attending Harvard at age 16. He then kicked ass in politics, helping draft the Declaration of Independence and serving as vice president under Washington.  Adams may not have been much to look at, but the man was fit. He exercised like a beast, and he could reportedly swim the width of the Potomac River in under an hour- naked.  During his presidency, he built up the U.S navy to a decent ass-kicking number, commanded over the Quasi War with the French and appointed kick-ass supreme court justice John Marshall. Adams also had a pet Alligator, a gift from fellow badass Marquis de Lafayette, that lived in the east wing’s bathtub. That gator could single-handedly tear apart of any of today’s pathetic presidential pooches. He was a proud Yankee, a proud American, and a kick-ass president.

9. James K. Polk

Even at a young age, Polk had balls. At 16 he had his gallbladder removed,  but rather than using any form of antiseptic –as was recommended by doctors- he manned up and requested to have the procedure without it. Once elected president, Polk got the job done. Throughout his entire term Polk only spent 37 days away from his desk. The dark-horse candidate put the “man” in manifest destiny by kicking Mexico’s ass and winning the Mexican war, doubling the size of the U.S territory. Polk kicked so much ass in four years that he didn’t even bother running for re-election. He knew the thing to do was go out on top.

8.George Washington

Washington’s nickname, given to him by the Iroquois Indians, was “Devourer of Villages”. That alone is enough to put him on our list. Washington being a heavy harvester of the greens, marijuana, is pretty kick-ass too. If George were alive today, he could out-smoke Snoop Dogg. When unanimously elected,  Washington at first declined to take a salary because he wanted to kick our nation’s ass into shape for free. But, because he did love to stack that paper, he eventually gave in. Upon his death, Washington ordered that his body not be moved for three days. This is because, as a devout Christian, Washington believed that Jesus hadn’t actually died but was merely assumed dead and buried only to come back to life. He didn’t want that to be his case- since he was almost as kick-ass as the son of God. The cocky SOB even kicked so much ass in the afterlife Carter awarded him the posthumous position of six-star”General of the Armies of Congress”, the highest, most kick-ass honor to date.

7. George W. Bush

Bush may not be remembered as the best president, but he definitely kicks ass. On his college apps he must have put down “premier fisherman, hunter, and overall-BAMF” as extracurriculars because, even with a low GPA, he got in to Yale. It was this compilation of macho skills that got him elected President of his fraternity, where he went pro in kicking-pledge-ass. He was also accepted into the infamous secret society Skull & Bones. (The selection process is secretive, but we’re pretty sure he got in for his ability to bust skulls.) After graduating, he was a fighter pilot in the Texas National Guard, attended Harvard, and bought the Texas Rangers baseball club. In 2000, more Americans said they would prefer a beer with Bush over wine with Gore any day. That’s because wine -like Gore- sucks, and because Bush is the man. As President Bush kept it real, rocking cowboy boots and serving Texas-style barbecue to guests. After 9/11 Bush continued his kick-ass attitude by bombing and attacking terrorist nations, famously saying, “You’re either with us, or you’re against us.” Bottom-line: mess with Bush, or his country, and he’ll kick your ass.

6. Abraham Lincoln

First, considering the average height back then was 5′2″, at 6′4″ Lincoln was a damn giant. And, giants are automatically able to kick more ass than your average Joe.Though he’s usually known as being tall, lanky and docile, Abraham Lincoln could kick serious ass. Pre-presidency he was involved in a kill-or-be-killed duel against Lincoln Shields- neither ended up dying, but Lincoln won. During his election,.Lincoln’s votes were gained purely on the knowledge of how much ass he kicked; he never had to give a single campaign speech. His election was almost entirely based on the strength of his support in the North. He was not even on the ballot in ten states in the South, but showed them by not only winning, but kicking their ass during a little war we like to call “the Civil War”. Yeah, Lincoln reunited a nation. Just look at his memorial, does it resemble any other memorials you can think of? Maybe Zeus, the most kick-ass Greek God ever. He started with next to nothing and kicked-ass to get to the top.

5. Lyndon “LBJ” Johnson

LBJ was crass and badass. A cowboy type, he loved to be outdoors, loved to eat red meat, and loved the ladies. Like JFK, though not nearly as notoriously, he had several affairs. He was quoted as saying, “I had more women on accident than [Kennedy] ever had on purpose!” He even had a buzzer installed in the oval office to alert him when his wife was on her way up, when he was getting down. He famously hired secretaries much in the same way waitresses are hired at Hooters. As long as they had the looks, they didn’t need to have the skills. When he wasn’t wooing the women he was kicking ass in the navy. Johnson was awarded the “silver star” for his naval service and went on to kick ass in politics. As president, Johnson didn’t take any crap. In fact he utilized crap, often holding conversations with government officials as he used the toilet -because nothing stops a badass from doing what he has to do. Johnson proved to be more than just a President pro tempore- kicking ass in the 1964 election, winning in a landslide.

4. Ronald Reagan

Reagan was a movie star, this gives him automatic points with the girls and automatic points on our list. While he could have continued his cinematic career, Reagan instead chose to home-schooled himself… to be in the army. He created his own boot camp, which included a regimen we’re sure rivaled the physical training of the cast in 300, and enlisted in the Arm Reserves. At 69 *insert innuendo here*, Regan was the oldest President ever elected. While most guys his age were dying, Regan was being sworn in. The day of Reagan’s inauguration Iran realized what a straight-up G Reagan was, and released all 53 of their U.S Hostages. Carter swiftly pissed himself in humiliation. Also in his first term, he kicked Granada’s ass and escalated the Cold War. In his second term he ended the cold war, bringing the Berlin Wall to its knees and fought a fierce war on drugs. If Reagan doesn’t need them, you don’t either. Like most of the kick-ass commander and chiefs on our list, Reagan dodged an assassination attempt, the bullet punctured his lung. After surgery Reagan apologized, telling his wife, “I forgot to Duck.” Ronald Reagan: bellicose and badass.

3. John “JFK” Kennedy

Everyone knows JFK was a mack-daddy with the ladies. His conquests included: Angie Dickenson, Audrey Hepburn, Marilyn Monroe, and -his smokin’ hot wife- Jackie O. (Though, after John was done with her, that “O” didn’t just stand for Onassis, if you know what we mean.) Kennedy told friends that he could only be satisfied if he boned at least three broads a day. Aside from getting more tail than Ron Jeremy, he graduated Cum Lade from Harvard, won a Pulitzer, and was a decorated Navy vet. During World War II, Kennedy served as a commander on the PT-109. Kennedy’s crew was attacked by a Japanese Destroyer and thrown into flame engulfed waters. JFK managed to swim for four hours to safety, while carrying a crewman, by the life-jacket strap, with his teeth. As president, when a majority of military officials pressed for air assaults on Cuban missile sites, Kennedy did it his way. Successfully negotiating with the Soviets to remove all defensive material or face kick-ass naval wrath. Within a week, the missiles were removed. Kennedy also pushed for the U.S. to reign supreme in the space race. In 1969, we claimed the moon. Kennedy downed a celebratory scotch in his grave. Kennedy endured many health issues through out his life, some were so severe that, being a passionate Catholic, he had his last rights read to him four times. Meaning, this B.A. escaped death four times, before his assassinated.

2. Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt

Jujitsu master, police commissioner, cowboy and certified badass. Roosevelt was a man’s man, taking everything to the limit. He didn’t just box, he was a championship boxer. At Harvard he took a punch so hard it disconnected his retina, leaving him blind in one eye. He didn’t just hunt, he was a safari hunter. On an African safari with his posse, financed by none other than wealthy-BAMF Andrew Carnegie, Roosevelt trapped over 11,00 animals ranging from insects to elephants and white rhinos. When he wasn’t kicking literal ass, he was kicking the ass of various ailments, including, but not limited to: malaria, asthma, and polio. (Didn’t know Theodore Roosevelt had polio? That’s because big Teddy wouldn’t allow a disease to make him squat to pee like it did FDR.) As a president he single handedly made the Navy worth fearing, opened a can of whoop-ass on the national debt, and called Woodrow Wilson a “pussy” on multiple occasions. An assassination attempt was made during one of his speeches and Roosevelt was shot in the chest, he finished the speech like a champ. After his retirement from politics, Roosevelt didn’t sit around reading James Patterson novels and eating prunes. He mapped the Amazonian “River of Doubt”- as in, before TR came along to kick the river’s ass, everyone doubted the river would ever be successfully navigated. The river now holds his name, El Rio Teodoro. Today Teddy’s ghost can be seen drinking and kicking ass at the Menger Hotel in San Antonio.

1. Andrew Jackson

He drank like a fish, swore like a pirate, and kicked more ass than Chuck Norris. Andrew Jackson was a BAMF. Even as a child he didn’t take anyone’s shit. At the ripe age of 14, he was fighting in the American Revolution; refusing to submit to the British, he was sabered in the face then taken as a POW. What were you doing at 14? In his adult years, Jackson was constantly challenging people who pissed him off, not to pussy debates like politicians have now, but to last-man-standing duels. He once caused an opponent to bleed to death, by shooting them in the groin. In another duel, with Charles Dickinson, Jackson was shot in the chest and still kicked his ass. The bullet remained lodged inches  from his heart for years. The wound would occasionally ooze blood, but, being the badass that he was, Jackson would just blot it with a handkerchief while continuing to drink whiskey and screw his wife. When reflecting on the duel later he had said: “I would have killed that son of a b!tch if he had shot me through the brain.”  This kick-ass mentality makes him number one on our list.

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