By Chelsea Latimer
As my boyfriend would attest, making a woman angry is a scary thing. Especially when her name is me. Most women have a threshold where that can take so much, prodding, irritation (after all, we have children) and such but when that bend breaks, you better watch out. All that aside, there are a few things we can encounter that are in fact, scarier that an angry woman- shocking, I know. So, for our safety- I’ve compiled a list, when you encounter these things- run, far, far away- OR, play dead.
1. Frickin’ Sharks with Frickin’ Laser Beams Attached to Their Heads
Dr. Evil may not be real up-to-date with inflation, but his true evil genius came through with his super weapon plan. There are few things more dangerous than an angry woman, but sharks with laser beams attached to their heads almost make the cut. Add some bees coming out of their mouths and you better be motor boating in the other direction.
2. Your Great Grandma, driving and texting:
There are so many things wrong about this that I can’t even begin to tell you. Geriatrics,texting? Are you joking me? As if driving and texting weren’t already dangerous, old people using technology and maneuvering their way around T9, is comical- now put that senile old lady behind a wheel….you better hope you aren’t on the road.
3. Sarah Palin as President of the United States:
The best you can hope for if this happens is that there’s a mass exodus and the people that are left behind can all become gun-toting, healthcare-less Americans. Similar to a certain President we used to have…..
4. Hiking on a trail inhabited by rabid coyotes:
I recently read a whole article in National Geographic about coyotes attacking people now- they’re getting brave….and they’ve started cross breeding with Wolves, so basically, bring your Bear spray, or a weapon of some sort next hiking jaunt.
5. Mick Jagger’s dance moves in a confined space:
YOU’LL GET YOUR FREAKING EYE POKED OUT. OR AT LEAST GET RACKED. I’m tellin’ ya, me and Mick hang all the time.
6. Tiger Woods in at a Miss Universe competition:
Let’s be honest, Tiger goes for a very specific type: loads of makeup, long locks, fake…..something (generally boobs), and some history as a promo girl, cocktail waitress, hostess and the like that involves a short skirt, booze and whoring yourself out as a sex object. Hm, maybe even Miss Universe is too “classy” for him? Ouch.
7. Trying to imitate Pink’s Grammy performance, after drinking a bottle of wine:
The fabric, the near nakedness, the singing- there is so much room for error here, you could seriously pull something. Or break your face, either way don’t do it. Even with supervision, if my friend fell on her face after such antics, I’d just die laughing.
8. Wearing hair extentions to a Séance:
Have you ever seen that fake plastic hair catch fire? That s**t goes up in flames like a lit match, to a gallon of gasoline. Better beware the next candelit ceremony you have not to invite your Drag Queen friends, Britney Spears wanna-bes, etc.
Um, the end- they’re basically gigantic rodents and that’s fackin’ scary.
10. Attending a cocktail party with The Real Housewives of New York City:
They’re vicious, they punch below the belt, the say mean things in an underhanded way to their “friends” and your wardrobe, status, or “class” would most definitely not measure up. Unless you’re rollin’ in the dough, don’t go.