funniest/lamest jokes

Wanna hear 2 short jokes and 1 long joke?


Joke,Joke, Joooooooooke.

Teehee (see more)

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."

After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

"Daddy, does God love children?"

"Yes son, he loves all children."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
 (see more)

kid:dad can i go to a 50 cent concert
dad:ya heres a dollar take ur sister to (see more)

there are 4 men at a pub, 1 goes 2 get the next round. while hes gone the other 3 men start talkin about there sons,

the 1st man says my son is doin quite good he is a lawyer and has just bought his bestfriend a house

the 2nd man says my son is doin pretty good, hes a pilot and has just bought his best friend a private jet

the 3rd man says my son is doin quite well, he is a actor and has just bought his best friend a farrari

the 4th man comes back and the other guys say wha does ur son do?

and he replies, oh he works in a gay bar as a stripper, the 1st guy says "not to good then" n the forth guy says oh no hes doing alright... his 3 boyfriends hav just bought him a house, a private jet and a farrari (see more)

A little girl asks her brother when he is in the shower if she can get in with him. The boy says Fine get in but don't look down the girl says ok and gets in. she looks down and says WHATS THAT! the boy replies thats mr. smiley. they get out of the shower and go to bed. About 2 hours later the girl walks in to the boys room and says brother can i sleep in your bed tonight im scared... the boy says NO!!!. the girl gets mad and says ILL TELL MOMMY YOU WERE BEING MEAN TO ME!!! the boy says fine get in... midnight rolls around and the girl asks "im bored can i play with mr. smiley?" He screamed NO! "Ill tell mommy you were being mean to me!!!" the boy says go ahead tell mom. The girl storms off and the boy goes back to sleep. the boy wakes up in the hospital and his sister is sitting next to him crying. He asks her what happened. She says you wouldnt let me play with mr smiley so i got mad. While you were sleeping i snuck in and ripped off his head. (see more)

Two men were sitting at a pub and get pretty drunk.

Out of the corner of the first man's eye, he sees a beautiful young woman.
"I'd love to dance with that." the first man stated.
"Why don't you go and ask her then?" the second replies as he nudges him forward.

The first man walks up to the woman and says, "Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"
The woman replies, "Sorry, I'm concentrating on matrimony and would rather sit than dance."

The first man walks back to his friend dejectedly.
"So what did she say?" he interrogated.

The first man replied, "She said that she was constipated on macaroni and would rather sh*t in her pants." (see more)

What three words do u never wantto hear while making love?

"Honey I'm Home!" (see more)

there was a man and woman who had never met b4 on a train. they were sleeping in the same car that nite when the woman woke up and said, "excuse me sir, im cold. can u get me a blanket?" the man said, "how bout, 4 JUST 2nite, we pretend we're married?". the woman smiled and said, "ok, y not?"
"great!!" the man replied. "GET UR OWN DAMN BLANKET!!!!!" (see more)

So there are three guys running from the police.They are about to get caught so they decide to trick the police.1 man says earthquake!!!!The cops go under the car and he escapes.The 2nd man says tsunammi!!!!!The cops look and he got away.Now the 3rd guys say fire!!!!And the police shot his @ss!!!!! (see more)

A man went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into it. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the fudge and this was too much for him.

"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!'

"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."

"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.

"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."  (see more)

A duck went to a bar and asked the bar tender "Got any gwapes?" The bar tender said "No we dont have any grapes." They next day the duck asked the same question. "No we dont serve grapes." The Bar tender replied. The next day the duck came in and asked again. "Got any gwapes?" The bar tender said "No we dont got any grapes and if you ask again im gonna staple your tail feathers to the wall!" Well the duck walked into the bar the next day and sat down. He asked the bar tender "Got an staples?" "No." The bartender said confused why the duck would be asking for staples. But then the duck said "Well, in that case. Got any gwapes?"

=P (see more)

One day, this American guy goes to a foreign country to work. He had a really busy day and decided to call up a hooker.
All night long, the hooker had been shouting "TaTiTOE", it was something in her native language that the American didn't understand at all. But he was pretty sure she was satisfied, so he left it.

The day after, the American went golfing with some co-workers. He shot the ball into the hole, and everyone clapped their hands for him. He was so proud, then he said "TaTiTOE!" then one of his co-workers said,
"What, sir? Wrong Hole??"


HEEHEE*v* (see more)

ok so one day this mother took her daughter to the zoo. While they were at the zoo the daughter saw two monkeys in the cage doing it. So she asked,

"Mommy what are those two monkey's doing?" And her mother replied,

"Ahhh they're...making cake."

When they decided to go home there were two people in the parking lot doing it. The daughter asked, "Mommy are they making cake too?" and the mother said yes.

When they got home the daughter looked up at her mother and said, "Mommy you and daddy were making cake yesterday weren't you?"Her mother looked at her surprised and said, "How do you know that?" and the daughter replied,

"Because I licked the icing off the couch."  (see more)

A kid asks his mum "Is it wrong to have a penis" his mus says "No why?"
Kid says " Beacause when i went into the bathroom i saw dad trying to pull his off"


LOL (see more)

There were two brothers. One named Shutup, the other name Trouble. One day, Trouble stole Shutup's bike. Shutup went after him until he was pulled over by a cop for jaywalking. The cop asked the boy, "What is your name?" nd he said, "Shutup"...The cop repeated himself and recieved the same answer...Then he said "i'm going to ask you one last time...boy what is your name?" and once again the boy said "Shutup"...The cop said, "Are you looking for trouble?" and the boy said, "Yea, that guy stole my bike!!!!" (see more)

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”

“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”

A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”

“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.

“I work for 7 Up!”
 (see more)

why did tje chicken cross the road?

to get to the other side

lame... (see more)

A lady goes into a pub and sees a man drinking.

Lady: What are you drinking?
Man: Magic beer..
Lady:What makes it so magical?..

The man jumps out the window, flys around then comes back and sits down.

The woman is then amazed and rushes to the bartender to buy a beer.
She drinks it, jumps out the window and dies.

The bartender then comes to the man and says..

Bartender: Superman, Your a real F_ _K when your drunk. (see more)

who killed Soulja Boy?

Ahhhh.... YOOOUUUU!!! (= (see more)

okay this italian guy goes to a hotel
when he is in his hotel room he calls the maid and says
'I Need 2 Shit On The Bed"
The maid says no shit in the bathroom
kinda lame huh? (see more)