best joke you heard from a friend

One day this buff guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink & says, "I'm not gay or anything but I think you have a nice physique. But I gotta ask, why's your head so small?" The buff guy sighs & says, "Well the other day I was walking through the woods and I heard someone calling out for help. I walked around looking who it is and I found this frog by the stream. It said 'kiss me kiss me, & I'll grant you 3 wishes.'" So the guy kisses the frog & it turns into this beautiful naked woman. Then she says "You now have 3 wishes." The guy looks at himself, &he's really scrawny so he wishes he had the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Then *poof* he becomes so buff that all his clothes rip off. Then the lady asked what's his 2nd wish. He looks at himself, then at the naked woman & says "I want to make love to you right now" so they make love by the river. They finish & the lady asks "What is your last wish?" & the guy says "How bout a little head?" (see more)

boy finds a condom in the trash & asks mom, what's this? She says a twinkie wrapper. Boy says good cuz i licked the cream off it (see more)

Yo Momma's so poor,



that when I asked her if we could watch TV,



she stapled a piece of paper to the wall and said, "We're gonna watch Paper View." (see more)

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives.

The cucumber said, "My life sucks, when I get big, fat and juicy, they cut me up and toss me into a salad."

The pickle said, "When I get big, fat and juicy, they cover me in vinegar and throw me in a jar."

The penis said, "You think that's bad, when I get big, fat and juicy they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark room and bang my head against the wall until I throw up (see more)

one day i was at the bar, the bartender said there`s a contest. whoever wins get 50 dollars worth of beer. the contest was making a donkey laugh and cry. so i gave it a shot. once i won the contest. the bartender told me how did i make the donkey laugh and cry. first i made the donkey laugh by telling him that my penis was bigger than his. i made him cry because i showed it to him..... (see more)

why doesnt mexico have an olympic team???




....all of them that can run, jump, or swim. are already in the U.S. (see more)

There was a man crying in a bar. The man had a drink in front of him but he did not touch it at all since he got it... he just looked at it and cried.
So a man walked up to him and said, "If your not gonna drink it than i will", and he drank the drink.

Once the man drank it the crying man started crying twice as loud as before.
The man said, "I am so sorry, let me buy you another drink." The crying man said, "No, It's not that, im just having a rough week. First my wife died in a horrible car accident, than my son was killed by a pack of penguins, and when i was finally gonna kill myself, you come a drink my poison." (see more)

two old friends bump into eachother one day....
friend 1: hey hows it going

friend 2: not so good, all these years of phone sex have caught up with me

friend 1: what do you mean??

friend 2: I got hearing aids (see more)

A bus full of fat people are heading to fat camp until they loose control and go off a cliff. So when they all go up to heavan God sees how there death was a tragedy and decides to grant them each a wish. So one by one they walk through saying how they all want to be beautiful. Finally at the end of the line the last person walks up laughing and gets asked what he wants for a wish. With laughter in his voice he says, "I wish for all those people to be fat and ugly" (see more)

Why do blonde girls have bruises around their belly button?

Blonde guys are stupid too. (see more)

A man is in the delivery room with his wife. The doctor walks in and says "Before you can see the baby I want to show you something really cool." So the doctor turns the baby upside down and throws it up against the wall. The parents scream in horror and demand he stops. The doctor says, "Wait, thats not the best part." He tells the dad to follow him to the roof. When they reach the roof the doctor throws the baby over the side. The father panics and screams to the doctor, "Why did you do that?" The doctor replys, "Jokes on you, it was already dead." (see more)

1.Your mom's like a vacuum cleaner, she sucks, she blows, and she gets laid in the closet.





2.Who was the greatest prostitute in history, Ms.Pacman. For 25 cents she swallowed balls until she died. (see more)

Yo mama's like a shotgun:
2 cocks and she's ready to blow. (see more)

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend??



wiped his butt. (see more)

FRIEND: Do you know why it is'nt any sheep left in Africa ?

ME: no ? :D

FRIEND: Because all the elephants are using sheep as tampongs (see more)

(had to make it shorter) a blonde is sitting at her kitchen table trying to complete a puzzle. its so hard ,she cant do it so she calls up her boyfriend and he says whats its supposed to look like? she says well according to the box, its supposed to be a tiger. so he decides to go to her house and help her. when he gets there he looks at the puzzle and says: put away the frosted flakes!  (see more)

joke joke jooooooke (see more)

There is a married virgin couple who have been married for 2 years and finally the girl says, "Tonight I want you to come to my house and meet my parents for dinner with me, and when they leave, I will lose my virginity to you."
The man gets a little nervous. He goes to the store and begins talking to the Pharmacist. The Pharmacist tells him all about sex and what he's gotta do. Then he the Pharmacist asks him if he wants a pack of 5 or a Family Pack. He figures since this is his first he will need a Family Pack.
When the Man knocks on the door his wife answers and says "I cant wait until they leave so I can lose my virginity to the man I love."
Then the man walks in and they all take a seat at the table. The man then offers to pray. He looks down and silently, to his self is praying.
Ten minutes pass.
Then Twenty.
The wife leans in and Says "I didn't know you were so religious"
The man says "I didn't know your father was a Pharmacist" (see more)

to hunters go hunting and one shooting the other on accident so he calls 911
operator: what is your emergency
hunter: i think i killed my friend
operator: what happened
hunter: well we were hunting and i shot him
operator: well first make sure he is dead
hunter: ok
the operator hears a shots silence and then a gun shot.
hunter: now what?  (see more)

Ok so 3 guys on a ship they crash and land on an island full of canibals (sorry about the spelling) and the canibals make a deal with them. Get 10 of each fruit. So the 1st guy comes back with 10 apples the canibals put the apples up his butt after 1 apple he starts cryaing so they eat him.The 2nd guy comes with grapes after 9 grapes he starts laughing so they eat him.Those 2 guys meet in heaven and talk the 1st guy says "Hey why did you start laughing?" And the other guy says "Cuz I saw the other guy come with watermelons (see more)