The Funniest Jokes You've Never Heard! (Rules!)

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Thursday.
 (see more)

Two vampires walk into a bar and sit down at the counter. The first orders a pint of blood, the second orders a mug of hot water. The first looks at the second and says "Hey man, what's wrong? You going soft on me?" The second takes out a used tampon and says "No, I'm having tea."

ZING!!! LOL (see more)

A little girl, the oldest of three, goes up to her dad and asks, "Daddy, why did you name me Daisy?" The dad replies, "well, because when you were born, we sat you under a tree and a daisy petal fell on your head."

The second daughter goes up to her dad and asks, "Daddy, why did you name me Rose?"
"Because, honey, when you were born, we sat you under a tree and a rose petal fell on your head."

The third daughter approaches her dad and says, "GRRAH! BLARGHARHHHH UGH!" "Shut up, Cinderblock."
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fat kid says: i lost something!! can you help me find it?

I say: have you checked your chin??? LOL (see more)

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“  (see more)

2 tourist went into the jungle ... then they heard som steps in the far ... and they ran ... but then they were sorrounded by Waka laka's ! 1 tourist climbed up a tree, and the other tourist got .. banged ... and then the waka laka's walked away ... then 1 hour later they were back ! the sae tourist climbed the tree and they banged the same poor tourist again :( .. then 2 hours later the frkn Waka laka's were back agaiN! and as u know .. the tourist was about to climb the tree but then the banged tourist said .. "NO, this tim i go up .. u stay here!" and so they switched .. The waka laka's stopped and said "WAKAA WE TOOK HIM TWICE! GO FOR THE DOUCHE IN THE TREE!" - Haha (see more)

What do gay horses eat?











hhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayy (see more)

A Blind man walks into a bar with a guide dog. All of a sudden, the blind man picks up his guide dog, and swings it around his head by it's tail.

The bartender says "Oi, mate, what the hell do you think you're doing?!"

The blind man replies "I'm looking round!" (see more)

What do you call a smart blonde?









A Golden Retriever (see more)

what dose the penis tell the condom?








cover me I'm going in (see more)

A wife went to the police station with her next-door
neighbor to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description. She said,
"He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark
wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds,
is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is
5 foot 8 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and
is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?" (see more)

After every thing I say,you say, ketchup, rubber buns and liqueur.

What do you eat for breakfast?
...
lunch?
...
dinner?
...
What do you do when you see an old lady walking up the street?
...
(scroll down if you don't understand...)


(Catch up, rub her buns and lick her) LOL (see more)

There's an Australian, an American, a Canadian and a Naitive in a plane. The plane started to go down from being too heavy.

The Australian threw out some boomarangs and said"we have alot of these where we come from"

The American threw out some burgers and said"We have alot of these where we come from"

The Canadian threw out the Naitive and said "We have alot of these where we come from"

(sorry if it's slightly racist) (see more)

Wat goes up bout never comes down




A:Your age (see more)

how much sperm does a gay guy have?? A butt load

 (see more)

Something I came up with for the flips...
What did the Human Torch say when he went to surf the tsunami?
I'm scared...it's tubig! (see more)

A bear walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and says, "Can I get a gin............... and tonic." Bartender asks, "why the long pause?" The bear looks at his hands and says, "Don't know. My dad had them and my grandfather did too."
 (see more)

what do you call lesbian dinosaurs?

......


eat-a-lotta-puss's (see more)

2 muffins are sitting in an oven. the first muffin says "man its getting hot in here" the second one says "AAAA!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!" (see more)

There was this blind man right.
He was feelin' his way down the street with a stick. He walked past this fish market. He stopped and he took a deep breath and said,
"*Snfffffff*, woooo good morning ladies."  (see more)