Funniest Jokes

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

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how do u drown a blonde...............................u put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool
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Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast." (see more)

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other,points to his foot and says,Vietnam, 1969.'
The other points his thumb behind him and says,'Dog s**t,20 feet back.'

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Two boys were late to class and they had strange, pleasured looks on their faces. The 1st boy walked in and the teacherasked, "Where were you?" The boy answered, "Blueberry Hill." The 2nd boy came in 5 minutes later. The teacher asked, "Where were you." He answered, "Blueberry Hill." Five minutes later, some mysterious new girl walked in. The teacher asked, "Who are you?" The girl answered, "Bluberry Hill." (see more)

I guy is in the middle of a river and he's rowing his boat. With each row he counts, "1, 2, 3." Then God says, "I wonder what would happen if I took away 25% of his brain. I wonder if he could still row and count to three." So he does it and the guys keeps rowing and still counts 1, 2, 3. Then god says, "I wonder if he could still do that if a took away half of his brain." So he does it and the guy still rows and counts 1, 2, 3. Then God says, "Hmm, I wonder if he could still do that if I took away all of his brain." So he takes away his whole brain and the guy keeps rowing, but says uno, dos, tres. (see more)

There was a little girl and she had to go to the bathroom. She opened the bathroom door and her dad was in there naked. She saw his penis and asked, "Daddy, whats that?" He answered, "Umm... uh, that's my Jeep." She had to go to the bathroom again later. She opened the door and saw her mom in there naked. She looked at her mom's pube and aske, "Mommy, what's that?" Her mom answered,"Umm... uh, that's my forest." Later in the day, the girl had to go to the bathroom one more time. She opened the door and her grandma was in there naked. She looked at her grandma's breasts and said, "Grandma, what are those?" Her grandma answered, "Umm... uh. these are my flashlights." Later on at night, the girl walked into her parents room and ran out after a few seconds to her grandma's room and said, "Grandma, quick, grab your flashlights, daddy's jeep is stuck in mommy's forest." (see more)

There are three guys in a car. One of them is Asian. They get pulled over by a cop and the cop says you won't get a ticket if the size of your d*cks add up to exactly 21 inches. They did, so they were allowed to leave untickected. Later that day, they were all at a bar. Guy #1 says, "You guys are lucky I got 10 inches." Guy #2 says, "You guys are lucky I got 10 inches too." Guy #3 (the Asian) says, "You guys are lucky I had a boner." (see more)

Ok so there is a son and his father just died but he can't make it to his funeral so he asks his uncle to set everything up to top notch and that he will pay for it (i think that is how you spell it?) so he gets him the ' works'.A month later the son gets a bill of 90 dollers pays that up really quik.then the next month he gets another one,pays that to.then the next month he gets another and pays it as well.So then he asks calls his uncle and says 'why am i getting bills every month?'The uncle responds y saying 'you wanted the works right?so that is why i rented him a tuxedo!' (see more)

How can black people jump so high?

Because their knee grows. (see more)

what do you call a group of black people in a pool?


Cocoa Puffs (see more)

what did th man say when th house fell on him?


GET OFF ME HOLMES (see more)

whats the difference between a bench in the park and a black guy....a bench in the park can support a family! (see more)

wat do u call cheese thats not ur?


nacho cheese (see more)

what do u call a black priest..........................................................................holy shit (see more)

Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"
Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.
The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared.
"This is not what you promised me," said Osama.
"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."  (see more)

How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?
12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out. (see more)

Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"
A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."
After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?" (see more)

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing. She's just having contractions."  (see more)