Best Mitch Hedberg Joke

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrenes, party of two, table ready for Dufrenes, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufrenes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufrenes."
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An Elevator can never break down

it can only become stairs (see more)

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
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“One time I went to a craft fair or somethin’ and they had a jelly bean jar with a sign on it that said, guess how many jelly beans are in the jar. Awe, come on, man, just let me have some. I tell you what, you guess how many I want. If you guess a handful, you are right.” (see more)

“Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, ‘Here—you throw this away.’” (see more)

“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.” (see more)

I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident! (see more)

I like the American-Canadian border, 'cuz if you're walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, 'cuz first he has to go through customs. "What brings you to Canada?":[Points to the side] "That asshole." "When are you leaving?" "As soon as I regain my equilibrium!" (see more)

i was gettin my teeth whitened but then i said "forgtet that, ill get a tan instead" (see more)

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son of a bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!"  (see more)

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"  (see more)

I have a king sized bed, i don't know any kings, but if i ever meet one i can tell him "you will not believe what i have in store for you!" "This is made to your exact specifications!" When i was little i used to lay in my twin sized bed at night wondering where my brother was. (see more)

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were. (see more)

"Hey if you can't sleep count sheep. Don't count endangered animals, you will run out." (see more)

13 is an unlucky number...if 13 is an unlucky number then so should the letter B be...cuz B looks like a scrunched together 13..."Hello what is your name?" "Bob" GET THE HELL AWAY (see more)