competition: You're The President of the United States

"My fellow Americans, we are all stunned by the tragic ending that has met the San Antonio Spurs. But we all know they had it coming. What is unacceptable is that someone who is not American has performed this great public service. We should have done this ourselves. Consequently, we will not stand for this foreign intrusion. We have identified the perpetrators and we have eliminated them. The rest of the NBA is now safe. Mostly, they are safe from the treachery of the San Antonio Spurs. They are now also safe from the threat of some random assholes from another country trying to kill them. God bless all of you. God bless America. And no one else. Also, fuck the Spurs."